I find myself in the dark, often. I mean literally, in the dark. No lights on, going about my daily routine. Not pitch black, just dark. I don’t mind working in the dark, in fact, I prefer it. Why, I don’t know but I have a speculation.
I’ve always been a private person, quite, reserved, alone. I’ve never let anyone in, not completely. It’s sad, really when you think about it. As a kid, I was constantly surrounded by people, I have 3 siblings, yet still I was lonely. Afraid to speak up and be heard, fearful of being judged or made fun of for my thoughts and emotions. In my house no one could be heard over my mother and sister, so I was the listener filling my head full of useless pieces of knowledge that would eventually make me really good at Trivia. But, that is beside the point here…
I know I can’t be the only one afraid to let anyone know the real them, am I? I don’t know why I feel alone most of the time even when there are people around. Maybe because I don’t like conflict or judgement? Mostly I’m not a fan of disappointment. I’ve had more than my fair share of that. Sometimes I wonder if that isn’t my fault in some way. Are my expectations too high? Is that what leads to inevitable dissatisfaction? Do I need to lower my requirements of people? I don’t want to settle or sell myself short but am I anyway?
Alone in my thoughts and my darkness.