Funny how a bad day of negative feelings can make you think, make you find peace with past hurts.
It’s been one of those days. The kind where you’re not feeling like yourself and the more you think the deeper you sink. It started with my husband losing his charging cable to his phone. That set me off on the wrong foot because I like to hear from him on his breaks. It’s not that he HAS to text me every day, but he does and I’ve become accustomed to it. The day went on with more negative thoughts that I alone created in my head. This is something I do and I know I do it pretty much every year around this time. Seasonal depression perhaps?
I knew I had to go to town and pay some bills and collect the mail so of course that didn’t help my state of mind one bit. I tried to cheer myself up by talking to one of my cousins for a bit on Facebook and the minute I commented on some decor she was crafting for her wedding my sister had to comment, so I would see it. She is manipulative like that. I had her blocked, but she must have gotten a new account or I unblocked her by accident. She is a sorry excuse for a human being and a total waste of air. She almost gave me some comedy relief until I started thinking about it. She said she was excited for our cousins wedding and hers. Crazy bitch didn’t even attend her own daughters wedding, but she thinks she’s going to a distant cousin’s? Secondly, she is already married so yeah, how does she think she’s going to have a wedding to her new boyfriend who is also already married? Hilarious!!
Anyway, that did get me to thinking about what a whack job she is, my sister. Alcoholic for sure and the probability of her being on drugs is, I’d say, better than 50/50. Our dad is sick and his doctor said he had 3-6 months to live back in March, 10 months ago. Apparently he calls sister nut job on a regular basis. He calls me when he feels like he has to, like when I had surgery. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m totally OK with that except for the fact that she thinks she’s special and brags about it. After leaving the post office today where they crammed my granddaughters book club books into my box, AGAIN, and I had to have them retrieved by the clerk, I was in an even worse mood.
That’s when the epiphany hit me like a ton of pellets. My dad is like his own dad, my grandfather. I loved my grandpa and still miss him to this day, he passed away when I was 12 years old. I used to go stay with him on weekends and clean his house for him and do his laundry and some light cooking. The Best time of my life back then because he lived on the golf course right next to the horse stables where I learned to ride. Funny though, my cousin (not the one mentioned above) come to stay sometimes too, not nearly as often as I did, but she did. Grandpa always seemed to like her more, and she wasn’t even the one doing his household chores and making sure he had clean laundry and no moldy food in the fridge.
As I got older, I realized that he didn’t love her any more than he loved me, he didn’t know how to spread his affections evenly, and he thought she needed “more” than I did because my parents were still together and I wasn’t left to fend for myself as much. What he didn’t know was that I needed him every bit as much as she did even though I didn’t show it. My home life wasn’t all peaches and cream and roses and wine. Not even close.
I don’t resent him for treating me with less concern and empathy, not at all. I see why he was like he was and my dad is the no different. He thinks my sister needs “more” than I do because I have a husband who loves me and three kids who I can count on who like to spend time with me and call often. He too, doesn’t know how to read between the lines and treat his children with the same courtesy and respect. Grandpa had no daughters, so dad had no sisters to learn how to relate to girls, I guess, and that’s OK because I can see through their misgivings and understand that it’s not me, it’s them.
Does it hurt? Sure it does. Why? They both are/were intelligent men who should have figured it out at some point but didn’t. To be honest, my mother is the same. She did special things for my sister who was pregnant at the same time I was. She bought her maternity clothes gave her special attention, like manicures and pedicures because she was pregnant and single. Sure I had a husband and two children but that didn’t mean I had extra money for frivolous extras and I needed my mothers attention every bit as much as my sister did.
I know I should feel bad for my parents, missing out on a lot of time getting to know me but I don’t. I don’t even harbor negative feelings toward them after all they’ve done and said at my expense. I am grateful to them in a way. They taught me how not to treat my children. How to raise them to be close-knit and loving toward one another, not feeling like they were rivals for attention or anything else. I think I did a good job based on how my kids act and treat others, and also, they have told me how much they appreciate me being their mom. I have a hard time picking out Mother’s Day cards for my own mother. It’s a sad thing to have to admit.
Funny how a bad day of negative feelings can make you think, make you find peace with past hurts. In the end, this day turned positive for me with one single epiphany that extended beyond one small thought, to a bigger picture. A reminder of how to live my life, how to treat others and how to accept past deficits in my life in a positive way.