Tis’ the season…

I thank God for him every day.

…for pondering life.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, as I often do actually. Most commonly, it’s thoughts of my youth and relationships I’ve had and how they formed me into the person I am today. Specifically today and for the past couple of weeks I’ve been thinking about my relationships and my decision to not have sex in high school.

As a teenager I was a little on the wild side as far as doing crazy stunts and going to parties where there was alcohol and marijuana. There were boys I made out with on occasion but I didn’t have an official boyfriend until I was 18. That was a comfortable relationship but I knew he wanted sex and I wasn’t ready. It’s not that I wasn’t ready as much as that I was responsible. I had a lot of friends during that time frame who were engaging in sexual activity and ending up getting abortions. I knew for a 100% fact that I could never kill and innocent child for any reason and I also knew I wasn’t ready to be a mom yet. Being a mom was my dream for as long as I could remember, but I was not ready at the age of 18.

I liked the guy I was dating and I liked his family, but he wasn’t the right guy at the right time, and we both knew it. Admittedly, I was weakened when we broke up because I knew the biggest reason was because I wasn’t giving him sex. Looking back that was the biggest favor he ever did for me! Since he told my, now husband, he was wasting his time because I wasn’t “putting out”. That was great because then my future husband knew he was getting a woman with morals and values that were in short supply in the 80s.

I dated my husband for over a year and a half before we married, I was 20, which I know is still young, but I was ready, and he was right. Our first beautiful baby arrived 10 months later, followed by 2 more within the next 4 years. We’ve had rough times, and we’ve had wonderful times, but the one thing I know for certain is I don’t know what I would do without him! I thank God for him every day. We’re still married 30 years later and I’m so grateful for my choice to stay a virgin until I was sure I had the right guy. I will admit I was not a virgin when we married, but not a lot of women I know can say they’ve had sex with one man. 

~Jane ❤

THRIVE

Yes, this is plug for Le-Vel. 😉

I’ve been Thriving for 2.5 years now and I have never felt better. We aren’t supposed to make medical claims but I’m telling you, I was on the verge of medication for high cholesterol and hypertension and within 8 months I was in normal ranges. coincidence? Maybe but I highly doubt that.

Fast forward to July 13th (Friday, July 13th) when I had to have major emergency surgery with an expected 4-6 month recovery time. Here we are 2.5 months into it and the doctors are moderately surprised at my progress thus far. Again, Coincidence? Maybe but…

Yesterdays follow-up doctor appointment was a real upper for me not only to find out I’m healing faster than anticipated but because my surgery was finally explained to me in detail with diagrams and models and I feel lucky to be alive!! I knew I could have died, so I already felt lucky to be alive, but actually seeing what went wrong and what they had to do to fix it was both frightening and amazing.

I guess this wasn’t just a plug for Le-Vel it was a plug for doctors who do their jobs with extraordinary skill as well. ❤

Janeway

~Jane

DARKNESS

I find myself in the dark, often. I mean literally, in the dark. No lights on, going about my daily routine. Not pitch black, just dark. I don’t mind working in the dark, in fact, I prefer it. Why, I don’t know but I have a speculation.

I’ve always been a private person, quite, reserved, alone. I’ve never let anyone in, not completely. It’s sad, really when you think about it. As a kid, I was constantly surrounded by people, I have 3 siblings, yet still I was lonely. Afraid to speak up and be heard, fearful of being judged or made fun of for my thoughts and emotions. In my house no one could be heard over my mother and sister, so I was the listener filling my head full of useless pieces of knowledge that would eventually make me really good at Trivia. But, that is beside the point here…

I know I can’t be the only one afraid to let anyone know the real them, am I? I don’t know why I feel alone most of the time even when there are people around. Maybe because I don’t like conflict or judgement? Mostly I’m not a fan of disappointment. I’ve had more than my fair share of that. Sometimes I wonder if that isn’t my fault in some way. Are my expectations too high? Is that what leads to inevitable dissatisfaction? Do I need to lower my requirements of people? I don’t want to settle or sell myself short but am I anyway?

Alone in my thoughts and my darkness.

~Jane