I loved my mother and I felt guilty.

From the age of 9 I was blamed for an accident my mom had where she fell off a horse. I constantly heard her tell people about how I begged her to get on the horse and how she didn’t want to disappoint me. She even went as far as to tell people I knew the horse tripped on occasion but didn’t tell her about it. She rubbed that into my face every chance she got. She blamed me for all the pain she was in and how she couldn’t work because of it. I was 9 fucking years old. I loved my mother and I felt guilty.

I got a job when I turned 16. I felt so guilty because my mom couldn’t work and our family was poor, that I paid bills. Specifically the electric bill  so my siblings could have light, heat and hot water. I was always told how my cousin worked and just gave the check to my aunt and how nice that was and how thoughtful she was for doing that. Can you say pile on the guilt as high as you can get it? I even paid for school clothes and bought toys. Eventually, I ended up quitting school to pay bills because that was what I was “suppose to do”. It was my fault my mother couldn’t go to work.

I guess she started to feel entitled because she began showing up to my work every payday. This didn’t go unnoticed by coworkers or my bosses. They started telling her I wasn’t there even when I was. I finally broke free of that when I turned 18 by just leaving.

More recently, my mother guilted me into quitting my dream job because my dad is dying and she “just couldn’t do all the running around for appointments” because her back and neck just wouldn’t allow it. You know, because of that fall she took off my horse back in 1979. Being the person I am, I did it. I quit my job; because family is first, right? I started taking them to their appointments and what do you think I found out…?

There’s not a fucking thing wrong with her back and her neck problem is very minor (enough to cause discomfort but not really a lot of pain) of course she’s saying she has to have surgery but she doesn’t HAVE to, it’s elective. All those years of being made to feel guilt, quitting school and my job. For what? Because she wanted more “mother-daughter time”? Because she really has no idea what she has done to me? Because she’s selfish? Because she just really doesn’t give a shit about me or my success in life? I will NEVER understand this.

I’m literally about to vomit. How can a mother treat her own child like that? I am so angry. I apologize for the language, it’s not my normal demeanor. I can’t even begin to explain how I feel right now. Her “poor me” bullshit has come to a halt with me, I refuse to put up with it anymore. I’ll probably end up hurting her feelings but that will be an act too. I’m just done.