I call BULLSHIT!!

I loved my mother and I felt guilty.

From the age of 9 I was blamed for an accident my mom had where she fell off a horse. I constantly heard her tell people about how I begged her to get on the horse and how she didn’t want to disappoint me. She even went as far as to tell people I knew the horse tripped on occasion but didn’t tell her about it. She rubbed that into my face every chance she got. She blamed me for all the pain she was in and how she couldn’t work because of it. I was 9 fucking years old. I loved my mother and I felt guilty.

I got a job when I turned 16. I felt so guilty because my mom couldn’t work and our family was poor, that I paid bills. Specifically the electric bill  so my siblings could have light, heat and hot water. I was always told how my cousin worked and just gave the check to my aunt and how nice that was and how thoughtful she was for doing that. Can you say pile on the guilt as high as you can get it? I even paid for school clothes and bought toys. Eventually, I ended up quitting school to pay bills because that was what I was “suppose to do”. It was my fault my mother couldn’t go to work.

I guess she started to feel entitled because she began showing up to my work every payday. This didn’t go unnoticed by coworkers or my bosses. They started telling her I wasn’t there even when I was. I finally broke free of that when I turned 18 by just leaving.

More recently, my mother guilted me into quitting my dream job because my dad is dying and she “just couldn’t do all the running around for appointments” because her back and neck just wouldn’t allow it. You know, because of that fall she took off my horse back in 1979. Being the person I am, I did it. I quit my job; because family is first, right? I started taking them to their appointments and what do you think I found out…?

There’s not a fucking thing wrong with her back and her neck problem is very minor (enough to cause discomfort but not really a lot of pain) of course she’s saying she has to have surgery but she doesn’t HAVE to, it’s elective. All those years of being made to feel guilt, quitting school and my job. For what? Because she wanted more “mother-daughter time”? Because she really has no idea what she has done to me? Because she’s selfish? Because she just really doesn’t give a shit about me or my success in life? I will NEVER understand this.

I’m literally about to vomit. How can a mother treat her own child like that? I am so angry. I apologize for the language, it’s not my normal demeanor. I can’t even begin to explain how I feel right now. Her “poor me” bullshit has come to a halt with me, I refuse to put up with it anymore. I’ll probably end up hurting her feelings but that will be an act too. I’m just done.

~Jane

Have you considered this yet?

One thing you probably never thought of as a new parent, most likely not until your children were approaching adulthood, is that they will eventually multiply. If you started out with 3 kids, you’re probably going to end up with 6, if you’re lucky.  If you’re really lucky, you will like your new children.

Now that you’re thinking about the inevitable, consider this; you may not end up with an equal number of boys and girls. Initially this may come as a shock to you, as it did me, but really it’s not the end of the world so don’t let it be.

All three of my children were “easy”, we are really blessed with each of them. No real drama, no drugs or super bad choices and all high school and college graduates. They are all each others’ best friend and my heart couldn’t be happier! Now that they are grown and we are starting to get our “new” kids, it’s exciting! Whoever they choose to spend their lives with is fine with me. If they are happy, treated with love, kindness and respect then I am happy!

Now, the really fun part… the second multiplication! This time you could end up with any number of “new” children, GRAND children!! So far we have been blessed with only one, a baby girl, but oh my she has her grandma and grandpa wrapped around her little finger!! There is nothing we wouldn’t do for any of our eventual 6 kids and undisclosed number of grand kids. NOTHING.

Family is what matters in this life, treat it with kindness, understanding, respect and MUCH LOVE!!

~Jane

DARKNESS

I find myself in the dark, often. I mean literally, in the dark. No lights on, going about my daily routine. Not pitch black, just dark. I don’t mind working in the dark, in fact, I prefer it. Why, I don’t know but I have a speculation.

I’ve always been a private person, quite, reserved, alone. I’ve never let anyone in, not completely. It’s sad, really when you think about it. As a kid, I was constantly surrounded by people, I have 3 siblings, yet still I was lonely. Afraid to speak up and be heard, fearful of being judged or made fun of for my thoughts and emotions. In my house no one could be heard over my mother and sister, so I was the listener filling my head full of useless pieces of knowledge that would eventually make me really good at Trivia. But, that is beside the point here…

I know I can’t be the only one afraid to let anyone know the real them, am I? I don’t know why I feel alone most of the time even when there are people around. Maybe because I don’t like conflict or judgement? Mostly I’m not a fan of disappointment. I’ve had more than my fair share of that. Sometimes I wonder if that isn’t my fault in some way. Are my expectations too high? Is that what leads to inevitable dissatisfaction? Do I need to lower my requirements of people? I don’t want to settle or sell myself short but am I anyway?

Alone in my thoughts and my darkness.

~Jane

Abandoned Perspective

Trying to find an explanation or a justification where there isn’t one.

What do you do when you find out something about someone you thought you knew and looked up to? Someone who’s always been in your life? Someone who has been a role model? Someone you looked up to as somewhat of a hero?

I’m still trying to find an answer to that question.

This thing, this “something” that I found out, is larger than you can imagine. The more I think about it the more consuming it becomes. It’s been analyzed and over analyzed and then analyzed again. Trying to find an explanation or a justification where there isn’t one. So what can a person do about a situation such as this? Do you confront the person? Do you step away and not look back? What?

I wasn’t ever supposed to know about “something” for this reason, as to not change my perspective of this person, but I did find out. I found out and it’s unthinkable, unacceptable and unforgivable. I don’t think I can or want to even try to talk it out. I think I might just be done.

My heart is broken.

Never trust flapping gums…

I guess there is another category here… the blogger.

You know the ones. Always talking for the sake of hearing their own voices.

There’s the rambler, who continually talks about random things in no logical order whatsoever. This person is generally harmless and in some cases can be very entertaining.

Then there’s the air head who repeats themselves over and over sometimes in the same words and sometimes saying the same thing in 14 different versions. Sometimes this person literally forgets that they “already said that” and sometimes they might think you didn’t understand them the first time, thus requiring them to repeat the message in several other formats to be on the safe side. Which really, just makes them look like an idiot.

You have your boaster, who is constantly bragging about something they have or can do better than anyone else. “My man and I have the best relationship and sex life”, 6 months later they’re filing for divorce. “I have an extremely high tolerance for pain”, complains constantly about their pain. “look at all my nice possessions, I have a lot of money”, on the verge of bankruptcy and foreclosure. I’ve always said, someone who brags that much about themselves is only trying to convince “themselves”.

Finally, that brings us to the gossiper, the worst of all of them. Continually talking about someone else’s business, family, job, finances, you name it they never run out of things to say about someone else and 98% of the time it’s negative and completely untrue. If this person is talking smack about someone else to you, think about what they must be saying to that person about you. Seriously. I’ve known people like this throughout my entire life and I always wondered what they thought they were gaining by doing this? My final conclusion to that question is: Nothing. They gain nothing. They do however lose, a lot. No one trusts this person because they have no integrity. Zero. None.

I guess there is another category here… the blogger. The blogger is the best of all of these “talker” types because, #1. we’re not actually talking. #2. We’re not in the habit of naming names and calling people out. #3. Speaking for myself only, a lot of my blog entries are solely based on my own personal observations and experiences. #4. If you’re reading this it is because you chose to. I haven’t forced you to “listen”. 😉

Have a fabulous day!

~Jane

 

Playing the name game…

You did it! You gave your perfect baby a perfect name, until it’s not. …or is it?

and WINNING!

As a new parent you understandably want to choose the best possible name for your little one. You might get a baby name book from your local book store or library, you may do a few google searches or you might just start writing down names and arranging them in various combinations.  There are a lot of different things that go through your mind as you begin the quest for the perfect combination of names that flow together like a beautiful melody.

You’ll go through your favorites and start narrowing them down most likely with some comments in favor of or against certain ones, for instance, “No, that was your ex girlfriends name”, “That was my horrid neighbors name when I was 9”, “That’s the name of a swine from a movie”, “I love that one it was your great grandmothers”, etc… Eventually you come up with the perfect combination.

You did it! You gave your perfect baby a perfect name, until it’s not. …or is it?

Jane is my middle name. It belonged to my great-grandmother before I was gifted with it. I actually like it, a lot, even after someone once called me Plain Jane. At first I was taken aback by that but after some thought, took it as a compliment. The name Jane is not just a name, it is a word with a fabulous definition: jane /jān/ noun US informal  1. a woman  I am Jane.

Now I know this is the most ridiculous thing ever, but what if later down the road you meet someone you loathe more than anything and guess what, they have the same name you gave your precious child. And all of a sudden it’s no longer perfect. This happened to me. The perfect name I was given that I love for a lot of reasons all of a sudden was taboo. In fact so much drama surrounded my name that my granddaughter (Jane was a strong consideration for her middle name) ended up with something different.

I still love my name even if no one else does. I am proud to have my great grandmothers name. I am proud to be a woman. I will use my middle name whenever I have the chance. Once you assign a name to someone it becomes part of them. It will develope a different personality based on who that person becomes as an individual. If you love a name enough to give it to your child, don’t undermine it later. ❤
~Jane