Unevenness

I think this post is really about uneven friendships and how they can be damaged. I still love my friend, I just realized that sometimes people take more than they can give.

Drama, not my thing. Never has been. I put up with it from some of my friends but never participate, and I call it like I see it. Most of them appreciate that, those that don’t keep their distance. I like to think  I am a “true friend” because I don’t judge or try to belittle anyone for how they are. Everyone is different, unique and come with their own quirks, oddities and life choices. Not everyone is a “true friend”.

I know this person that tells me everything. I mean EVERYTHING! I listen, give advice and tell them when I think they’re wrong or making stupid choices. What’s sad is the one time I really needed that perosn for a legitimate reason, not some high school drama crap they treated me like shit. What’s really the shittiest part is that I never expected that and it stung a little. I was definately taken aback.

I’ve been down, like literally down for almost 2 months for medical reasons that I won’t elaborate on here except to say it involved unexpected emergency surgery and a very long recovery period. So, I went to this person hoping for some cheering up, words of wisdom or just some company and she tells me she doesn’t know what to tell me and that she’s sure my other friends have tried to cheer me up and that I should be happy to be alive. Then, no response back for days… still waiting. Wow. Really?

Number 1, I am very happy to be alive and I thank God every day. Number 2, that doesn’t make every day easy to get through when you’re used to being very active and suddenly you can’t do anything. I think this post is really about uneven friendships and how they can be damaged. I still love my friend, I just realized that sometimes people take more than they can give. I mean I already knew that, for sure I’ve had my fair share of that in my life. but there’s just some people you think are different… until they’re not.

I honestly feel like I’ve lost something. Like I already had a feeling of loss and misery and then someone I trusted with my life added to my feelings of loss. I’m not sure how to describe that. Since I’ve never been one to ask for or accept help it was shocking that the one time I did, I got shut down. People wonder why I don’t open up and let anyone know “me”, I guess this is an example of why. One thing I do know is that I am resilient. I have been through some tough stuff before and while I always make it out “different” I always make it out “stronger” and “wiser”.

~Jane

 

 

I call BULLSHIT!!

I loved my mother and I felt guilty.

From the age of 9 I was blamed for an accident my mom had where she fell off a horse. I constantly heard her tell people about how I begged her to get on the horse and how she didn’t want to disappoint me. She even went as far as to tell people I knew the horse tripped on occasion but didn’t tell her about it. She rubbed that into my face every chance she got. She blamed me for all the pain she was in and how she couldn’t work because of it. I was 9 fucking years old. I loved my mother and I felt guilty.

I got a job when I turned 16. I felt so guilty because my mom couldn’t work and our family was poor, that I paid bills. Specifically the electric bill  so my siblings could have light, heat and hot water. I was always told how my cousin worked and just gave the check to my aunt and how nice that was and how thoughtful she was for doing that. Can you say pile on the guilt as high as you can get it? I even paid for school clothes and bought toys. Eventually, I ended up quitting school to pay bills because that was what I was “suppose to do”. It was my fault my mother couldn’t go to work.

I guess she started to feel entitled because she began showing up to my work every payday. This didn’t go unnoticed by coworkers or my bosses. They started telling her I wasn’t there even when I was. I finally broke free of that when I turned 18 by just leaving.

More recently, my mother guilted me into quitting my dream job because my dad is dying and she “just couldn’t do all the running around for appointments” because her back and neck just wouldn’t allow it. You know, because of that fall she took off my horse back in 1979. Being the person I am, I did it. I quit my job; because family is first, right? I started taking them to their appointments and what do you think I found out…?

There’s not a fucking thing wrong with her back and her neck problem is very minor (enough to cause discomfort but not really a lot of pain) of course she’s saying she has to have surgery but she doesn’t HAVE to, it’s elective. All those years of being made to feel guilt, quitting school and my job. For what? Because she wanted more “mother-daughter time”? Because she really has no idea what she has done to me? Because she’s selfish? Because she just really doesn’t give a shit about me or my success in life? I will NEVER understand this.

I’m literally about to vomit. How can a mother treat her own child like that? I am so angry. I apologize for the language, it’s not my normal demeanor. I can’t even begin to explain how I feel right now. Her “poor me” bullshit has come to a halt with me, I refuse to put up with it anymore. I’ll probably end up hurting her feelings but that will be an act too. I’m just done.

~Jane

DARKNESS

I find myself in the dark, often. I mean literally, in the dark. No lights on, going about my daily routine. Not pitch black, just dark. I don’t mind working in the dark, in fact, I prefer it. Why, I don’t know but I have a speculation.

I’ve always been a private person, quite, reserved, alone. I’ve never let anyone in, not completely. It’s sad, really when you think about it. As a kid, I was constantly surrounded by people, I have 3 siblings, yet still I was lonely. Afraid to speak up and be heard, fearful of being judged or made fun of for my thoughts and emotions. In my house no one could be heard over my mother and sister, so I was the listener filling my head full of useless pieces of knowledge that would eventually make me really good at Trivia. But, that is beside the point here…

I know I can’t be the only one afraid to let anyone know the real them, am I? I don’t know why I feel alone most of the time even when there are people around. Maybe because I don’t like conflict or judgement? Mostly I’m not a fan of disappointment. I’ve had more than my fair share of that. Sometimes I wonder if that isn’t my fault in some way. Are my expectations too high? Is that what leads to inevitable dissatisfaction? Do I need to lower my requirements of people? I don’t want to settle or sell myself short but am I anyway?

Alone in my thoughts and my darkness.

~Jane

Abandoned Perspective

Trying to find an explanation or a justification where there isn’t one.

What do you do when you find out something about someone you thought you knew and looked up to? Someone who’s always been in your life? Someone who has been a role model? Someone you looked up to as somewhat of a hero?

I’m still trying to find an answer to that question.

This thing, this “something” that I found out, is larger than you can imagine. The more I think about it the more consuming it becomes. It’s been analyzed and over analyzed and then analyzed again. Trying to find an explanation or a justification where there isn’t one. So what can a person do about a situation such as this? Do you confront the person? Do you step away and not look back? What?

I wasn’t ever supposed to know about “something” for this reason, as to not change my perspective of this person, but I did find out. I found out and it’s unthinkable, unacceptable and unforgivable. I don’t think I can or want to even try to talk it out. I think I might just be done.

My heart is broken.